Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
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She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
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Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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