she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
