yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
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I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
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Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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