Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Just pee around me
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
