can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
