smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
