this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
