I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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