Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
