But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
