Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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