I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
