I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
