Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
not ubering you a puppy
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
