can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
