The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
