I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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