all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
