I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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