he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
