So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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