Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
