i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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