he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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