when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
