We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
