Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
