worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
my poor anus
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
