new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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