my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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