he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
