If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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