What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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