I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
