I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
