I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
