i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He shit in the fireplace
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
