i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
