She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
