Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
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