Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
