We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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