Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
