I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Is Oprah even human
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
