I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
my poor anus
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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