thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
