Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
