I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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