i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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