I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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