why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
