i permit you to call me
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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