Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just invented taco cereal.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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