people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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