soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
