I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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