she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
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all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
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I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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