I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
