Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
