I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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