Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Everything about him screamed your future.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You made out with two different species that night
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
