Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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