So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
